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[muckspout]

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Re: after the boat trip / breaks in this inbox.

[muckspout]

[Edgard is surprised at the question. He wasn’t under the impression that Derrica had noticed his existence at all. He’s hesitant. He knows his actions (and inactions) have been judged.]

I’m as alright as I usually am. Why?

[tender]

Because I know it isn't easy, doing what we had to.

[ Dooming men who were fleeing, who might not have meant them any immediate harm. ]

I just wanted to make sure it wasn't...weighing on you, I suppose.

[muckspout]

[The amount of things that weigh on Edgard could sink the ship they're traveling on.]

It didn't seem like anyone else thought too much about it. [Namely the woman speaking to him.] I try to, when I can. But, yes, of course, it weighs on me. Not much to be done about it though.

[tender]

They do think of it, in their way.

[ This is maybe very generous. Derrica has no idea whether Nell cares, or Darras, or Lazar. Poesia certainly doesn't, but that's an outlier. ]

It can be hard to get accustomed to. Some of us came from places where we'd already been used to making decisions like that, but...well, I just wanted to let you know it's alright, to hesitate.

[muckspout]

[Edgard sees he misjudged Derrica and appreciates her candor. But still—]
Is it alright? Nobody seemed to take too kindly to it. I saw them. They think I’m weak.

[And maybe he is.]

[tender]

It's not easy to be...generous, in the moment.

[ And it's hard for Derrica to consider exactly what kind of impression he made, though she wants to assume the best of her fellow agents. ]

You shouldn't hold it against them. I'm sure no one thought anything other than you have a different line as to what should be done than they did. That's not weakness.

[muckspout]

[He doesn't really believe that about what the others think, but can believe that about Derrica.]

Maybe not. [He then remembers Derrica's stance in the moment.] Does it weigh on you?

[tender]

Sometimes.

[ Not as much as it should, Derrica realizes. ]

But I believe in what we're doing, and in keeping our people safe if it comes down to it.

[muckspout]

But, what if we’re wrong? [hastily adds] I don’t think we are. But, I was wrong once. Very.

[Edgard lets out a long sigh.] I just wish I found it easier to believe in things without worrying about it.

[tender]

It's good to worry. But you have to decide at some point whether or not you are devoted to this thing and prepared to live with it if you've chosen wrongly.

[ And it's still not a bad thing to worry, besides. Derrica does plenty of that. ]

I believe in what we've been trying to do. I don't think I'm wrong, but I think I'll be able to live with it if I am, or if we fail.

[muckspout]

[A long silence as Edgard takes in what Derrica is saying.]

I admire that. [He does. He's never trusted a blind devotion, (he's seen too much to ever be that way again) but he has never considered a devotion with your eyes open that Derrica is describing. Edgard still isn't sure thats a place he can reach, but he is grateful to Derrica's perspective. Perhaps, there is more to be learned here, after all.]

Thank you. For listening and [stutters a little] taking my concerns seriously. Not many do.

[tender]

You don't need to thank me. But you are welcome.

[ It's such a small thing, just a minor conversation in the wake of a mission that hadn't gone as well as it could. ]

Try to get some rest, alright?

[muckspout]

I will. If there is one thing I excel at, it is sleeping.

[a small pause.]

You get some rest, too.